Moving On
by BlueXXeyeS
Summary: How do you deal with death? Can you ever really move on? AU
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Deals with major character death.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than the grammar mistakes.

Effy

You can do anything you set your mind to. Well sorry Benjamin Franklin, but I'm calling bullshit on that one. And to any of you who agree with him, try setting your mind on bringing someone back from the dead. No matter how much you want it, it won't happen. It won't fucking happen unless you're bringing back Jesus Christ although I say bullshit to that too. I just lost my best friend and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that.

Naomi's death is just another one of the inevitable endings to true love. Emily and Naomi were meant to be together forever. Who fucking knew forever ended at age 21? Love doesn't last. Only a select few will stay with someone forever and the majority of the time it isn't even because of love. People stay married for the kids, or for the money or for the pure fact that it's all they know. Love is useless, it makes people do stupid things when in the end, fate is still the same.

Sid went chasing Cassie in New York only to find out she killed herself. Tony supposedly loved Michelle but went off to University and fucked a small army of both girls and boys. My parents' pathetic relationship was based off of lies. Thomas and Panda didn't make it passed their freshman year at Harvard together. JJ and Lara broke up. Chris died. Freddie died. Naomi died. Love hurts. Love tears people apart. Love kills.

Want more proof of how the bad outweighs the good when it comes to love? She's lying in my arms, in the form of a small, broken, trembling Fitch. She's been crying for what feels like days. Maybe it has been. Maybe it's been hours, maybe only minutes. I don't have a fucking clue.

I feel lost. Naomi kept me steady, she didn't put up with any of my bullshit, but she also showed me such kindness. She's so much like her mother although she'd never admit it. Some people think the two of us are alike and in some ways we may be. But in many we aren't. Naomi has a huge heart; mine is barely there. Naomi has a love for life, I just drift through mine.

Most importantly, Naomi believes in love. Well believed I guess. Now she doesn't believe in anything, she isn't anything. She is only dead. She was, they were. It doesn't sound right. It isn't right. It isn't fair, but what is. This is what the fucked up thing called life likes to give us. Twists and turns that feel like a knife to the heart.

The small girl in my arms finally stops shaking and her sobs transition into sniffles and snores. It's going to be a long night. And this is just the beginning. The beginning of the end. I don't know how things will ever be fixed. Nothing will be okay again. And I'm not prepared to deal with any of it. But I have no choice. I have to be strong for her.

I wish I could steal her pain, she doesn't deserve it but I do. I deserve her pain, my pain and then some. It doesn't work that way though and she's going to have to deal with this as well. I can never take it away. The pain will always be there and that thought is terrifying.

I begin to panic. I can't handle this. I won't be able to survive this. I don't know what to do. I feel the overwhelming desire to run. To get away from here and never look back. I want it all to go away, to disappear. Then I realize that there's no running away from it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, Naomi is dead. Naomi is dead. Naomi is dead and she isn't coming back. I rush to the toilet and empty whatever is in it, probably just a shitload of vodka and cigarettes.

There's a soft hand rubbing my back while another holds my hair and a sweet voice, raspy from all her crying whispers that it's okay. But it's not and we both know it. Nothing will ever be okay again. She takes my hand leading me down into my kitchen where she puts on a pot of tea. It's wrong, she's not supposed to be taking care of me. I'm supposed to be the strong one. She lost more than I did today.

"We have to take care of each other now Eff. We both lost a huge part of our world today," it's unsettling how easily she seems to read my worries, a task no one has been able to accomplish since Tony. There are too many other things going on for that to really bother me right now. I look up only to realize she isn't with me anymore, and I hate the way that my heart clenches while she's away. I immediately feel a sense of dread because I feel abandoned. She left me, like everyone else. Then I worry about where she's gone and what's she's doing. I know what I may do if I was in her position and it isn't a fate I want to even consider for her. I don't;want her to do anything stupid. I want her here with me. I need her.

In a panic I rush out the door and start running down the street hoping she couldn't have gotten too far. It's fucking freezing out and it must be almost morning because the sun is about ready to rise. It feels so wrong. The sun is mocking me. The world is going to continue like it always has, like a catastrophe didn't just occur. Like some people's lives are basically ruined, like things haven't just changed forever. Almost as quickly as I started looking I stop. My body falls against the wall as my feet drop from under me and I fall hard onto my ass. I have no strength. No strength to move, no strength to move on.

I wake up to soft hands and a desperate voice, "Wake up Effy, wake up you bitch, you don't get to do this to me." I blink once, twice, three times and each time I see the face clearer. The beautiful face of a Fitch. An angry Fitch. "What the fuck were you doing Effy? Where the fuck were you going? What if something fucking happened? What the fuck would I do?"

I just stare, unable to voice my thoughts; I was looking for you, you left me, followed by, you don't need me. I'm no good; I'm not going to help anything. Instead of waiting for an answer she puts an arm around me to pull me off the ground and guides me home and back to bed. To the home I shared with Naomi. To the home Naomi will never be in again. With that I pass out wrapped tightly in her arms the same way she was wrapped in mine just a few hours ago. I feel safer than I've ever felt.


	2. Chapter 2

Warning: Deals with major character death

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Katie

Since when am I anyone's caregiver? Especially in my own time of need? I just can't help but want to take care of Effy Stonem. I used to think she was perfect and untouchable but since I have discovered that she's not I feel the need to care for the fragile girl. Whether it was in college when she went through all the stuff her monster doctor and Freddie or getting her out of jail or supporting her after she lost her best friend; I've always needed to be there for her. For now she's safe and even though it's only nine in the morning I have some grieving of my own to do.

So after checking on her one more time making sure she's asleep I head to the nearest bar. I know she'll be asleep for a while; it was a late night for both of us and she was exhausted, so hopefully I'll be back before she gets up. Thank god that we're in London so it's easy to hail a cab and find a good bar where I can lose myself. Then I remember it's nine in the morning so I have to settle for a less than ideal pub, but that's okay with me I just need to get some alcohol in me already.

I walk into a poorly lit and dirty place that seems to have finally gotten rid of all its partiers from the night before. I walk right up to the bar and order straight whisky. One after another after another.

"Rough day?" asks the bartender who must be pretty bored since he's only serving me and an old homeless looking man sitting across the bar from me. Well instead of conversing with me he should clean up this pigsty a bit because I don't feel like talking. I just give him a grunt and tell him to pour another. He pours another and tries conversation again, "Well I'm Jack and if there's anything you want to talk about I'm all yours."

I again just grunt at him and continue drinking but I feel like I need something stronger. This alcohol isn't cutting it for me, my heart hurts and I need something to fix it. With no one else around to help I ask Jack, "Hey, you got anything on you that may be a little stronger than the alcohol?"

Instead of hearing Jack I hear the old man laugh and say "Only his cock sweetheart, this boy is a goody one who don't deal nofin," after making his comment he only laughs harder.

"Sorry, but he's right, well not about the cock part, but that I only serve alcohol. Nothing else. I can tell that it's been rough for you and I'm sorry but I'd like to help anyway that I can," I hear Jack say, he seems too nice to even be a bartender. He seems like one of the good guys.

"Yeah!? You're here to help?" I'm yelling now, I don't care that he's one of the good ones. "Why don't you cure my sister's stupid girlfriend of cancer so you can lift my sister's depression and keep her from killing herself? Oh yeah, you can't. It's already done. So if you want to help pour me some fucking alcohol or get me some fucking drugs!"

"Shit, I'm sorry to hear about that. I know it's rough right now bu-" Jack starts trying to console me but I don't want any of it.

"Don't even fucking go there. I don't want to hear about how it's going to get better and how you're sorry. My twin sister is dead. My best friend is dead. She killed herself. And now I have no one. So I don't want to hear about how it'll get better," I yell at him and throw down some cash and walk right out of that pub.

Somehow I make it back to Effy's flat, I'm drunk off my ass and can hardly stand but I make it inside only to have Effy consume me in a big hug.

"Oh my god Katie! I didn't know where you were. I was getting so worried. I tried calling Dom to help me search for you but he hates me and won't even talk to me. I was going to go out looking for you but I thought maybe you didn't want to be found. I was so scared I was going to lose you… again."

I've never heard Effy talk so much, she was just letting her thoughts flow from her brain to her mouth when they usually just stay in her brain. She sounded so scared and looked so small but at the same time she sounded relieved but it made me sad when she said the word "again." I hate what I did to her. I hate how much I hurt her. So I did the only thing I could think of to make it better, I kissed her.

At first she seemed to be in shock but no one can shock Effy Stonem for long and anyone who didn't know her so well wouldn't have realized the shock but I did. Effy started to kiss me back and I fell into her with ease. Just as I thought she was going to walk me back to the wall and passionately take control of me she did just the opposite. She stepped back and I almost collapsed to the floor without her support. Before I reached the ground she caught me and sat me down gently. She sat with me and I took my opportunity to jump on her again and start kissing her but she pulled away, "No."

"Effy please I want you," I whined.

"Katie you're drunk, if you were sober you wouldn't be doing this. You don't want me. You just want the pain to be taken away," those words sobered me up and sent me back three years ago…

_Effy and I were at a club like usual. We spent a lot of time at clubs recently, I was supposed to be stronger and not let her go out and drink but she would finally act somewhat like her old self when we could dance and drink and do some drugs. Freddie dying really messed her up and after trying to kill herself and spending some time in the loony bin again she moved in with me. _

_At first I wouldn't even let her have a drop of alcohol let alone any other drug, she was only allowed to smoke cigarettes and I even joined in and went completely drug free to show my support for her. This didn't work. She was miserable and even on her meds she was constantly talking about suicide and how this is a better place without her. There's no one else in this world besides Emily that I would sympathize for when they're talking this way but I couldn't help but to try and make Effy feel better. I would tell her all the nice things in the world. Tell her how wonderful she is and how much we cherish her but she wasn't having it._

_I felt defeated and one day gave in and started drinking. Effy was asleep and I thought there'd be no problems but I guess I forgot about the horrible nightmares she has so often. I heard her screaming and what else could I do but go to my best friend and try to comfort her. Well needless to say she smelt the alcohol and insisted on having some. Me not being in a clear mind to start with on top of having a very tough time not giving into Effy said yes of course. After that there was no coming back. That night she was so much happier and lighter that I had to continue to let her drink. As long as I monitored her she'd be alright yeah? After all I am her angel sent to keep her safe. _

_However, this particular night we both drank a little too much but Effy was having a blast and we were on the dance floor in our own little world. Effy is so free and beautiful when she dances. Don't get me wrong I'm not attracted to her, I'm not gay. But even I can admit that she's beautiful. She's so free and lovely. Effy had to use the bathroom so me watching this beauty had to be interrupted. We both went off to the bathroom where the unexpected happened. _

_We entered the bathroom and right away Effy pushed me against the wall, looked me in the eyes, told me how beautiful I am and how much she wanted me and she kissed me. For a moment I let her. I let Effy Stonem kiss me. And it was so wonderful I even began to kiss her back. Effy was so passionate and so needy. She kissed me so hard but her hands were so gentle. At first her hands were playing with my hair but then she brought them down more and more and before I knew it she began tugging at the bottom of my shirt, gently still, almost as if she was asking permission. _

_Permission that was denied. I pulled away from her. Away from the best kiss of my life. Away from the best I've ever felt because I couldn't actually be feeling this way. This was Effy. The girl who bashed my head in with a rock. More importantly a girl. So out of my own fear and horror I said no to the one thing that felt right. "Eff, you're drunk right now. You don't want me. You just want the pain to be taken away."_

So at those words coming out of Effy's mouth I backed off, muttered an apology, clumsily got up, and stumbled off into a different room. Little did she know that I truly wanted her. Not just because I was drunk but because every part of me has always craved Effy ever since that kiss three years ago.

Author's Note: I wasn't going to continue this story but something told me I should. I don't know how many of you will return to read this after all this time. And if you have thank you! I hope I didn't make you too mad with killing Emily but it is part of the story for me. A story about Katie and Effy. I'm sure some of you may not want to continue after this and that's totally okay, thanks for giving it a chance! And those of you who may want to continue thank you guys so much and it shouldn't be another year until I update again.


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